like the moon, we all go through phases
Throughout my high school years, I struggled really badly with my mental health, If you are a frequent reader of my blog, its something that I have mentioned before and that you are already aware of. For those of you who have not...well, now you know.
I say this because, lately feel like I have been slipping back into some of my old habits. It sucks to admit, but I have been really feel this huge weight just sitting on me lately that I can't seem to break away from. Depression isn't just something that "goes away", if you have struggled with it, you know this. It's an everlasting battle that you have to face every single day. Some days its easier than others. When life is going well, it's doesn't seem to be as prominent. But, it's always going to be a demon that lies in the back of your mind. And when life is going poorly, it engulfs you in a way that makes life seem almost unbearable.
It's more so than just a "bad day", as much as we would like to think it is. It's losing the energy to do the things that you know you have to do, and the things you want to do. It's straining on your relationships with people, because you find it hard to get the energy to even want to communicate. You feel exhausted constantly and seemingly have no appetite. You just stop caring and want nothing more than to sit in the comfort of your own bed. It is an illness.
Mental-Illness is real, and I don't wish it upon anyone.
Every morning I take time out of my day to read, or write. It's my escape, it's my release, it's what works for me. Something recently that I have also discovered that works for me is the gym. Exercise and the 'high' from a good work out really seems to be something that helps me cope. Lately I've just felt like a walking skeleton. It's so hard to put these emotions I've been feeling into words, but I guess me writing this post of scatterbrained thoughts helps me out more than not writing about them at all, so bear with me. I just feel like I've lost all the motivation that I've had. My positive mind-set that I've worked so hard to have has been lacking. I just haven't been radiating the same positive vibrations that I usually do so effortlessly, and it's been noticeable...which makes me sad. I have to force a smile, I have to force myself to get ready, and I have to force myself to simply 'go through the motions". I haven't been happy, and I have been pretty careless lately. Life itself has just seemed like so much effort, which is pathetic to admit to. None of my usual forms of positive-reinforcement have seemed to be working for me as well as they usually do...it's really just been a struggle that I have tried pushing under the rug and forgetting about.
I've always been one of those people who never confronts or talks about issues that are bothering me, I don't like confrontation AT ALL. I bottle everything up until it all just becomes too overwhelming and I just explode. This happened recently. I just had a full on break down because of so many things. The world is fucked up, and the people I encounter sometimes are even more fucked up. I just couldn't imagine treating people and doing to someone what some people choose to do to me. I don't mean for this to be a pity party, this is simply me just writing my thoughts down....no one is forcing you to read them. I just needed to let out some of my feelings is all, like I said...writing is one of my releases.
I've been working really hard lately, harder than I usually have to, to put a smile on my face and be happy. It may seem like everything is fine when you look at my social media's, but everything that I post is something that I CHOOSE to post, obviously I want to make it look like I'm fine. I will admit, this wave of depression is no where near as bad as what I've experienced in the past, so for that I am thankful. I have a lot to be thankful for, and proud of...this I know. I try and focus on the good over the bad, but like I said, it's just been seemingly harder lately. I'm not giving up though. This too shall pass, I just have to continue to try and lift myself from it rather than lingering in it, which is hard to do sometimes I will admit.
I'm gonna go ahead and wrap this post up here though. This is for everyone struggling with their mental health; it is an everlasting battle, but that shouldn't stop you from wanting to get better. You're not alone, and there are plenty of resources available to help you. It makes you so much stronger emotionally, and mentally I promise. I'm not perfect, I'm not always on cloud 9...but I'm going to continue to smile, and look forward at whats to come. It all starts with you, and your thought process. So heres to the better days to come.
xoxo, Jessica
