Dear "Dad"....if that's what you'd even like consider yourself.
You were the first man to lie to me. You were the first man that I lost sleep over. You were the first man I cried over. You were
the first man to hurt me...physically, mentally, and emotionally.
You were the first man to break my heart, before I even knew what heartbreak was.
I blame you, for so many things...because I finally realized that I'm not the one at fault.
I don't understand how you did it...really, I don't. How do you just abandon your kids? You responsibilities? Your family?
How did you just completely destroy my life, and walk away as if it was no big deal?
We lost everything. Our house. The cars. Our stability....but most importantly, I lost my father, and my childhood....and it's all because of you. And that is something I will never be able to forgive you for.
You chose alcohol and self-destruction over being a father, over being an adult, over owning up to your shit.
How did you sleep at night? Not knowing where your kids were, or how they were doing?
You missed 6 years of my life.....
6 birthdays, 6 Christmases, my graduation, my prom, my homecoming....
you missed everything.
In your absence, I searched for the affection you failed to give me...and I looked for it in all the wrong places. In men and one night stands that weren't worth a damn. I wish I could say that 'daddy issues' wasn't a thing, but I'd be lying. This I have grown out of. Part of it was because I lacked love from the one man who was suppose to give it to me unconditionally, but another part of it was also because I didn't love myself. I can't blame you for everything...it is because of you that I learned to rely on no one other than myself, especially another man. You have caused me to become an independent woman who refuses to settle for anything half-assed or medicore, because I now know that I deserve only the best...maybe thats why you left.
I wasn't always the bad-ass independent woman I am now though, as much as I'd like to admit I was...it took me many years to get to this point, and a whole lot of struggle. Alcohol was your escape, and it soon became mine too. I started drinking when I was 14, and it progressively became more than just a social thing that I did at parties with friends. I knew I reached a low point when it could be a Tuesday night at 7pm and I would be taking shots of vodka in my room alone...alcohol was what made me happy. It was the only time I felt happy, and thats when I realized there was a problem. When you're a child of a drug-addicted parent, you can end up just like them, or do everything in your power to be the exact opposite of them. And so I made a choice, because the last thing I wanted in my life was to end up like you. This is why I don't drink a whole lot anymore...maybe once or twice a month, and even then I rarely get shit faced, I love the feeling too much, and that scares me. Working as a bartender really tests my emotions sometimes, I can't deny that....because I see you in so many of the men I encounter everyday, and it makes me sad, angry, and sick to my stomach all at once.
You tried to make amends, and I still try and not hold a grudge...but how can you expect me not to? For so many years I blamed myself, I hurt myself, and I tore myself up mentally and emotionally because of you, and those are scars I will carry with me forever. I let men treat me so horribly, abuse me, talk down to me, because thats what you always did...it was how it was suppose to be, so I thought. It wasn't until I changed my own mentality and took a step back from the woman I use to be that I realized how much I tolerated. I am so happy to say this woman, is no longer who I am. I am wiser, softer, happier, and healthier.
While I do place a lot of blame on you...I also want to thank you. I want to thank you for showing me everything I don't want in life. It's because of you that I know one day I will settle down with a man, and he will be a true man, and an amazing father. My children will have everything that I didn't get to...so thank you, because I know I will be an amazing mother. Thank you for giving me the will-power to be hard working woman, and the experiences to be a wise woman. Thank you for being so distant and allowing me to be self-reliant, and independent.
And most importantly, thank you for choosing the most amazing woman to be my mother, because even in your absence...she gave me more love than you ever could.
