A year ago on this very day, I packed all of my belongings into my newly bought 2011 Ford Escape and moved 600 miles away from all of my friends, family, and everything I knew. Pulling out of that driveway was so bittersweet. Seeing my family in the rearview crying, not knowing the next time I would see them definitely made my heart hurt, but I knew that this decision was the right one; even if the person I made this decision for was not.
I remember this day so clearly. My anxiety was through the roof. I had just bought a new car and had less than $500 to my name. I was broke. I had no idea what I was going to do for work when I got to Florida...but I didn't care. I had faith that everything would work out, and it did. I spent the next 10 hours on the road blasting music and singing at the top of my lungs. I couldn't stop smiling. I longed for this day for months...the day where my long distance relationship was merely a memory. That 7 months of long distance was the best thing to ever happen to me. Once I crossed that Florida state line, it hit me...this was reality. This was the next chapter in my life. I was so excited, yet so nervous, to see how this journey would unfold.
In the beginning, like most things in life...it was great. My relationship was at its peak, I landed a job at one of the most popular restaurants in town, and I was happy...truly, genuinely happy. This didn't last very long...not to many people's surprise though. I shouldn't have expected as much as I did, but looking back now...I'm truly so thankful things ended when they did. I was 18 for christ sake...I have so many things I want to do, so many places I want to see, and still so much to learn and space to grow before I am ready to fully commit my life to spending it with another person.
The idea sounded a lot better than the reality of it, I suppose.
I worked a lot, we were on both different sleep and work schedules, we lacked similar interests, we lacked basic communication, I was always wrong and he was always right, I was high maintenance and cared about pointless things...we were counter opposites and denied that simple fact for so long, merely because we didn't want to lose one another...but for what? To live in the misery of one another's presence? Because that's exactly what we were. Miserable. We tried so hard, for so long, to try and fix these problems but there was no fixing it. Nothing was broken...we simply just didn't work. I wanted more than he would ever be able to offer me...not in the arrogant, snobby way...but in the simple sense that this man didn't even know how to make actual love to a woman. He couldn't leave the country and travel with me. He couldn't even give me the emotional satisfaction that I need from a significant other....and for that, our relationship suffered. I, by no means was perfect either; but when I'm not having my basic needs met in a relationship, I tend to stop caring about yours.
Things between the two of us got very ugly, very quickly. I'm going to skip details because they aren't very important to the context of this post. My decision to move out happened fast, I didn't even give myself time to fully process what was happening. I just knew it had to be done and it had to be done fast. I didn't give a warning, and I didn't say goodbye. It was cold and without closure. Little did I know, this ending was about to open up a whole new door of opportunities.
The first month was a little hard, it was weird getting into a new routine that didn't include him, but I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. This is when things in my life took a turn for the better. I began focusing on myself, something that for the majority of my life up to this point, I neglected in doing. It felt so empowering knowing that I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and didn't have to answer or stress over anyone else first. For the first time in a long time, I was putting myself first...and boy did it feel great.
I feel like that's the issue with a lot of woman in the younger generations, they don't give themselves time to hurt and feel the pain of heartbreak. They simply find someone else to fill that void instead of dealing with it head on. These woman don't even know who they are as an individual...because they are constantly investing all of their time and energy into their next new fling, instead of taking the proper time to focus on their own self growth. I've recently just realized the importance of this myself. It's a hard thing for some people to do...be alone. But being alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely. I have found so much comfort in being alone, and it's a beautiful thing. This is so helpful because once you find comfort in your own presence, you won't settle for some mediocre man to preoccupy your time, because you don't need anyone to simply just 'preoccupy' you.
I use to be very inconsistent with my moods. One day I would be claiming I've never been happier, and the next, I acted as if the whole world was out to get me. This was because I was relying on an inconsistent person to fulfill my happiness, rather than creating it on my own. That creates such a problem, relying on people to make you happy. People are inconsistent, and can also be very manipulative once they realize they have the upper hand over your entire mood. You become vulnerable. You become over-forgiving. You become weak, and you become scared...scared at the thought of losing your happiness. This isn't how it should be. People should only add to your happiness. No one should be the sole purpose of your happiness. Learning this was a very difficult, but truly transforming milestone in my life. Being a woman who has suffered from depression for years, I was always using other people to satisfy that craving to be happy. The day I quit putting this power into other peoples hands and instead kept it for myself, made all the difference.
Overall, this year I've spent living on my own has been one of the greatest years of my life. I have learned so much about life, and simply about who I am as a person. I have become self-reliant, and self sufficient. I have learned the importance of self-love. I have learned that happiness is a choice, and to choose it every single day. I have learned to stop letting people anger me, because like my mother always told me...'he who angers you, controls you.' I have learned that half-assed friendships and relationships aren't worth investing any time into at all, and to only surround myself with people who I am 100% sure of. I have discovered my love for writing, and the importance of reflecting on my thoughts and emotions. I have learned that it is okay to be sad, and it is okay to hurt; but it is not okay to let these emotions consume you. Feel them to their entirety, and move forward. I have learned that every person I meet, has something to tell or teach me that I myself do not know, and to take full advantage of this. I have learned to look for lessons, rather than reasons to be angry and spiteful. I have learned what is important to me in a significant other, and to not settle ever again. I have learned not to rely on anyone else. I have learned to take that leap of faith, regardless of other people's opinions, because it could very well be the best choice you've ever made. But most importantly, I have learned to be a good person, and to strive to be better every day. Make it a daily conscious effort to make at least one person smile. Wake up and simply be thankful to be alive. Look in the mirror and love what you see. Find beauty in simple pleasures. Choose to be happy. And most importantly, continue to grow, because none of us are a finished project. Here's to another year of growth.
xoxo, Jessica
