empty bottles. sleepless nights. tear filled eyes. one night stands. heavy hearts. racing thoughts. confusion. depression. abuse. embarrassment.
100 different things...
It's behind you now.
Life.
It works in the strangest ways; the most unexpected ways...
Who I am today is someone I am so very proud of, I may not seem very special to many people...but to myself, I am exactly the person I've always longed of becoming; and for that I am so proud.
Struggle would be an understatement.
Maybe not in the eyes of everyone, but in my eyes...it was suffocating, toxic, yet strangely addicting.
I searched for my happiness at the bottom of a bottle.
I relieved my anger and frustrations on my own body.
I longed for love and attention so desperately that I was willing to accept it from nearly anyone.
I let my personal issues make me cold, cruel, and nasty, something that makes me so upset to even admit.
I was reckless, careless, and thoughtless.
I was everything that I hate.
I was the exact opposite of who I wanted so desperately to be.
Alcoholism runs in my family...it was the root of all evil that caused my family to be ripped apart at such a young age actually.
I started drinking when I was 14, and instantly I was hooked. I wouldn't say I was an alcoholic by any means, but consider it what you will when the only means of your happiness come from when your so drunk you can't walk or think straight. I drank every weekend, and throughout the week on school nights by myself in my room. I kept bottles next to my bed, I hated being sober. I was filled with so many emotions. I was so broken and numb on the inside, and alcohol helped these feelings most of the time, sometimes it only intensified them.
I wasn't only filled with sadness, I was also filled with anger...so much anger.
These emotions indefinetely stemmed from my not-so-conventional family. My parents divorce was ugly, my home life wasn't very ideal, and my childhood wasn't much of a childhood at all actually. Looking back, I can make the assumption that all of this anger and sadness definitely came from these memories that clouded my mind.
I started hurting myself. I became so consumed in these thoughts and emotions that I took it out on myself...I can't speak for every single person thats harmed themselves before, but for me...it was a release. It made me feel like for once in my damn life, that I had control over something. I know that can be an extremely hard concept to grasp, especially for people who have never had to deal with this demon head on.
Daddy issues is a real thing, let me tell you. My dad left when I was 11 or 12...truthfully I can't even remember anymore. I didn't get a goodbye, I didn't get an explanation, I didn't have a number to reach, and I had no clue where he went, but he was gone. I filled that void. That need for attention, love, and a male in my life...with one night stands, with shitty men who offered me nothing but some half-assed attention for the night. I felt used, vulnerable, and weak. I hated myself even more for this.
All of these different factors took a real toll on me. I became lifeless, and numb to everything. Naturally I feel everything so deeply, and so fully. I think thats why I tried so hard to desensitize myself...my ability to feel things so wholeheartedly is what caused all of this self destruction in the first place, right? That's what I thought. I became so cruel...it was nothing but a reflection of how I felt toward myself. It's no lie when people tell you that how people choose to treat you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. So you can only imagine how poorly I treated people.
I hit rock bottom. I didn't care about anything or anyone. I was selfish. I was reckless. I didn't want to live. I was so consumed in these thoughts and emotions. My life had taken a turn for the worst. I didn't take my mental health seriously, and for that I suffered. This struggle went on for about 4 years. Sometimes it was worse than others, but it never fully went away.
Toward the end of my senior year I decided to take the to initiaive to get better. I was tired of living this same routine life. I was tired of being a walking skeleton. My father had reached out to me and I decided I was going to stay with him for the summer...hell I hadn't seen the man in 7 years, and being next to the ocean didn't seem like a terrible idea either. I got on a plane 2 days after I graduated and never looked back. This was hands down the best choice I ever made, and I'm so thankful that I did. Ohio offered me nothing, it was a black hole. North Carolina was a new start for me, a new beginning, a second chance. My dad was a drunk...but he was still my dad. This caused me to stop drinking entirely. I didn't want to end up like him. I withdrew my enrollment from college, something that I have yet to ever regret. I met a guy and and fell in 'love' (so I thought) Everything was progressively getting better.
My next big step was moving to Florida. March 5th, 2016. I packed my car as full as I possibly could and moved 600 miles from home.
It was here I found the first job that I've actually genuinely enjoyed working at. It was here I met all the amazing friends I have. My friends are my family, my home away from home. I have not self harmed in over 3 years, as of February 1st. I am genuinely a happy person, a positive person. I appreciate the little things. I smile at strangers. I love myself. I find comfort in being alone. I can have fun while sober. I go out of my way to make sure everyone else has a good day. I treat myself and others right. I know my worth, my value. I'm independent. I radiate positivity. I smile constantly.
I'm the counter opposite of who I once was, and I think everyone who knew me back then can agree with this statement.
All in all, I simply wanted to take a moment to reflect on my self-growth and give myself a big pat on the back for changing my life around. I threw myself a pity party for so long in hopes that one day my life would just magically 'get better'...that's not the case, You have to take action. Be the change you wish to see. Stop the self-loathing. Stop the pity party. Stop the self hatred, Stop the pessimism. Stop longing for your ideal life, and instead, take the initiative to make it happen. You have to start somewhere. The most important thing is that you simply start. Start making changes. Start cutting people out of your life that serve you no purpose. Start doing things that make you happy.
Start taking your mental health seriously.
I'm gonna wrap this post up right here, thank you for taking the time to read my scatterbrained thoughts. Please consider the information I have shared if you too are struggling. It gets better.
xoxo, Jessica
